Undone

This morning I was reading from my Blue Book, the devotional I’ve been using since Freshman year of college. (If you have not heard of one of the Brummett’s discuss the Blue Book, please call the Knoxville Young Life office right now and order one for yourself.) It is very neat that I’ve done this devotional for the past four years at different points, and each time I begin the Blue Book again new light is shed. Yes, I have done this weeks emphasis multiple times but each time, God uses it to speak to me in a new way. This weeks emphasis was “Undone.” As I began the chapter, I re-read over my notes that I had made the summer of 2008. The summer of 2008 was hands down the summer my life became 100%, totally, completely, unashamedly “undone.” It was the summer I realized the beauty in my brokenness. Since that summer, my life has never been the same. I no longer am content with the status quo. I no longer was content with the “typical” college experience or with acting like I should not care with the problems with the world. Since that moment, I was not comfortable with being content in doing half-ass works for the Kingdom. Since that summer, I was no longer content with acting like I had it all together. I realized in that summer we are all broken, and it is in admitting, believing, and living in and through our brokenness that God uses us.

One of my favorite readings for reflection from the “Undone” chapter is by Thomas Merton where he states, “Indeed, when we understand the true nature of His love for us, we will prefer to come to Him poor and helpless. We will never be ashamed of our distress. Distress is to our advantage when we have nothing to seek but mercy. We can be glad of our helplessness when we really believe that His power is made perfect in our infirmity.” What a beautiful picture of the understanding of the love of God!! As I re-read this this morning, I realized that the reason God seems so much more powerful here is that the love of God is understood by these people here in the midst of their brokenness. The brokenness is easy to spot here: poverty, AIDS, substance abuse, domestic abuse, and hunger to name a few. Many people here, unlike us, don’t have masks to put on before God. They can’t hide behind their wealth, security, house, family, career, cars, designer clothes, and fancy vacations. All they have to offer is their brokenness to God who uses their brokenness to show His power and love for them. When they receive the love of God they receive it fully because they come before Him fully broken. Now, I am not saying that we first world Christians do not come to God broken. But, I believe it takes us a lot longer to get to the point of realizing our brokenness, owning it, living in it, and coming to God with it. We are taught to not be broken but to have it all together. Now, we are taught to come to God poor and broken when we accept Christ into our lives and that God accepts us just as we are. Which is 100% totally true. But, I think where we mess up is that we don’t realize the beauty and power in recognizing and living in our brokenness. For I know in my life, once I received Christ in my life as a child and growing up, I felt this sense that since I was a Christian I was no longer supposed to be broken after receiving the Holy Spirit. IN that moment of salvation God had changed me and made me a new creation. And because I was a new creation, brokenness just meant “weak Christian.” Maybe I heard sermons wrong and misinterpreted how people were living out their faith around me to get that assumption. But regardless, it wasn’t until the summer of 2008 when I came to God fully broken and undone and was ok to stay a broken vessel for the power of God to flow through and use that my life has been transformed on levels I could never even have imagined. That is the reality I see here: broken, undone vessels all around me that God uses to bring hope, love, and compassion to all we come in contact with. Perhaps helping be a part of the Kingdom of God in the here and now means exactly what Merton said: showing people the power of God amidst their brokenness and allowing ourselves to understand the love of God amidst our continued brokenness as we join together with broken lives being restored by God, being completely open to God as we are undone, and therefore fully allowing God to use us by His power and love.

The Power of Story

On Tuesday, I had the privilege to go to the first session of Women’s Groups in Ocean View. As we gathered, we began to share stories. It was my job to think of questions to ask the women to begin to open up and share with one another. I am so thankful Sarah gave me this task because I love asking questions. More than loving to ask the questions about others, I love finding out the answers. Because I believe when every answer is given there is a story behind it. A story of life that makes the person who they are. Some of the stories shared were funny yet others wrenched my heart. One of the questions I asked was, “What is a childhood memory you miss?” Multiple women discussed times in their lives in Simons Town, Nordhoek and other areas before they were kicked out of their homes and sent to Ocean View. My heart ached because I cannot begin to imagine what it must have been like to be literally kicked out of your home and community and sent to a barren area which was forced to become home. My heart also overflowed with joy because here in the Methodist Church there is now a weekly place where these women can gather and share their stories. They no longer have to feel isolated and alone in this journey of life. They can now come together and do life together. They now have a place where everyone can share their story together.

As I heard these women share their stories, it got me to thinking about my story and what has shaped me. It made me recollect the many broken parts of my life and struggles which were painful and brutal at times yet God used to create something beautiful. It made me think of the numerous wonderful times in my life full of happiness, joy and love. Tuesday night made me realize we all have a story. Stories which God continues to use to mold us, shape us, undo us, and transform us if we but let Him.

Snapshots

These past few days have been extremely busy and the few free seconds I had I spent watching Felicity. (Kendra has the entire series and I quickly became hooked!) A part of not blogging these past few days was out of busyness but a part was also out of wanting to stop time. There is a part of me that thinks if I do not write down what is going on then time would stop because I’d still be able to experience life here for a long time with no need to capture my thoughts. I know that that has no logical value nor does it make any sense except in my head. But, I do want to blog, and I know when I return home these entries will be a well-spring from which I can drink as I transition back. This entry is entitled “snapshots” because I’ve had multiple experiences these past few days that snapshots of inadequate words will bridge my experience to you.

On Thursday night I went to the Capricorn Celebration after my day ended in Ocean View. Usually when churches come to volunteer for Living Hope they host a Celebration Night one evening in the community where they are working. Shades Mountain came for the entire week and on their last night they hosted a celebration for the people of Capricorn. It is a time of fellowship, singing, testimony, sermon, and food. The evening consisted of many different feelings, thoughts and emotions for me because Capricorn was the place where I worked this summer when I came, and Thursday was my first time back to that community, but one thought in particular I want to share.

I’ve grown up hearing the miracles of Christ. I’ve seen countless skits, heard multiple sermons, reflected on thousands of devotions on the miracles, especially Jesus feeding the 5,000. It was not until Thursday night, however, that the magnitude of that event hit me. I’d always thought it was a neat story and would have been rad to witness. But on Thursday night as the hundreds of people lined up for us to feed them, there somehow seemed to be just the right amount of food. The pots of food did not look like a lot when we began but somehow every mouth was fed and some mouths were even fed twice!! In those moments of serving food, the power of Christ hit me. Here was a man who saw these people hungry, took what he could find, and fed them all. It was amazing to me to fed 200 people, I cannot begin to imagine what it looked like to feed 5,000!! It must have been such a powerful, moving moment. As we passed out food, I realized that God always provides enough. We are never without loaves and fish in our lives, whatever those things may symbolize to us at a give time. We may not always think it is enough, or we may not always be given exactly what we want. But regardless, it is enough, and it satisfies our deepest hunger.

On Friday night I received an email that greatly impacted the next step in my journey. On Friday evening I received an email from Wake Forest saying I was chosen as a Wait Fellow for the class of 2013. In that moment as I read those words, floods of emotions came over me. I was ecstatic and a friend in Cape Town got a taste of that excitement when I called him and all I could do was scream, “I got it! I got it! I got it!! AHHHHHHH!” Joy hit because I realized that Wake really is the place for me regardless of the Wait Fellowship. The Wait Fellowship is merely icing on the cake. Though excitement and joy consumed me, I was also sad because in those moments I wanted to be celebrating with and telling my close friends and family the news. Even though a tinge of sadness struck, I am thankful for being blessed to have such a wonderful community that helped get me this far and will continue to be with me on the next part of my journey.

On Saturday I participated in the Women’s Rally at Ocean View I blogged previously about. It was an amazing time as I fellowshipped there because here women gathered, churched and un-churched, young and old. They were united and enjoyed one another. So many of the women came up to me excited about the small groups that begin this week specifically for women. So many women had smiles on their faces again when you could tell the smile had been gone for a long time. I am so thankful to Pastor Sarah Prince for feeling the call, seeing the need, and meeting it for these women in Ocean View.

After I left the rally, I experienced my first RUGBY game!! (Go Stormers!!) It was such a fun time with Melanie, Kendra, Danielle, Al, Amy, Ronnie, Kenny, Carla and Clynton. Luckily Clynton knows a thing or two about Rugby so he explained the game for me to understand. I loved it!! It is so fast paced and VIOLENT!! (Amy Sauls, you would LOVE rugby…it is way better than hockey. J) Afterwards we went to a restaurant called Primy (not Creamy as I first thought) and thoroughly enjoyed great food, conversation and laughter. I love the laughter here. Since being here, I’ve realized that it isn’t that we don’t laugh in the States, but we get too busy to take time to really sit down and enjoy life with each other. It is in this hustle and bustle trap where the laughter begins to grow quieter and then can completely dim except on occasion.

On Sunday I went with Ronnie to Hillsong. Now here is a disclaimer: I have been very critical of Hillsong ever since I went this summer. I am not always a fan of the “this is a performance type of service where we spend tons of money for the bells and whistles where only pretty people are on stage and our altar calls are always 30 minutes plus.” But, this summer when I came back from the Hillsong service not thoroughly impressed, a friend said, “Molly, I see your point, but don’t you have to think that God uses all types of churches? Don’t you think God is a big enough God that God takes the broken pieces of every church and somehow, someway uses them for the betterment of the Kingdom?” Those questions really began in me a serious questioning and realization that I do not know the “perfect” way to do church and neither does anyone next to me. Due to our different experiences, view points, and beliefs, we all try to be the Body of Christ in the best way we know how. It is not our place to judge one church over another or one worship service over another. It is not our place to go to a church worship service merely for the “fancy lights and great band that gives me a worship high” or go for the “liturgical rituals which make me feel oh so holy.” No. Wherever we find church, wherever we chose to worship should be a place where we find community. And we should not fall into the trap of avoiding a church and being completely closed to it because “it isn’t my thing.” No matter what church service we go to be it traditional, contemporary, blended, fancy-smanzy, or country, we should examine our hearts first as we enter into worship. Hopefully, in examining ourselves we realize that we do not have it all figured out. We are NOT God. Therefore, we should find compassion, respect, and love for those who do “church” differently. Now it doesn’t mean we can’t have discussions about what it means to be the Body of Christ and discuss and try out different types of worship. But, I am really beginning to realize that we all have something to bring to the table: conservatives, fundamentalists, progressives, flaming liberals and the list can go on. If we would turn our hearts from ourselves in worship and what we think is “correct worship and correct doctrine” and turn our hearts toward God, God will reveal what God wishes in whatever type of worship service we find ourselves in.

That is what I found at Hillsong at Sunday at least. Yes, it was still flashy and yes, pretty people flooded the stage. But as we sang, God spoke to me. As we prayed with quite a few uplifted hands in the crowd, I listened to the One who created me. I realized that the power, goodness, and truth of God is present if we are but open (even when it means we remove our jadedness and judgment against those people and worship services which make us a bit “uncomfortable.”)

Bests

I woke up Wednesday morning and reality hit. I’ve hit the half-way point of my journey in Cape Town. I woke up that morning with a wish. I wish I could slow down time and make my Cape Town experience last longer. I woke up as well with a peace. I have peace in trusting God, trusting my journey and in faith knowing that if I am to return to Cape Town it will happen in time if I am but patient. I woke up Wednesday excited. I am excited by the past 5 weeks and am excited for these next 5.

Each Wednesday marks a week passed and a new week of my journey in Cape Town. Two of my wonderful friends at Carson Newman wrote me a letter to open each week that passes. This morning in Amy’s letter she said, “Write down your best moments so far and your not so best moments so far.” What better place to write some of those down then on a blog? J (I can’t promise that each of these thoughts will be parallel in form so the nerd in me apologizes in advance.)

Bests So Far:

Meagan taking Melanie and I to her favorite beach spot one Sunday afternoon. Meagan let Melanie and I into parts of her life that day that not many people are ever shown. By her taking us to the beach, she said, “I want you both in my life as amazing friends.” It was a glorious day.

My friendship, laughter and chats with Melanie Dill. Melanie Dill is a blessing to my life. She listens to me, laughs with me, cries with me, hugs me, and is a constant for me here.

The presentation this week at False Bay College on sex, AIDS, STIs, and pornography. After the presentation, we had multiple students call Living Hope saying what an impact the presentation made and how they are re-thinking the promiscuous ways in which they live.

The children at Mountain View and Ocean View who yell, “Molly! Molly! Molly!” as I walk to them each day. On days I do not get to see the kids, my heart aches so I cannot begin to imagine how I am going to manage going back home and not being able to see, play, hug, and love them in person.

The love and prayers which enveloped me during my WAIT interview. I know that both here and far people were praying for me and for my preparation. I cannot keep track of the numerous comments of love, encouragement, and support that were spoken to me by my community here as the nerves hit, tears fell, and anxiety increased as I prepared for Monday night. Each prayer spoken, hug given, and smiled shared reminded me that I am loved both near and far.

Wonderful chats that continue to overflow here with other volunteers, LSEs, and friends met on my first trip to Cape Town that I would never replace. I love meeting people and really getting to know them and that is ringing true here. Conversations had over lunch, laughter, sunsets, Kauai smoothies, dinner at the house, or Mugg and Bean are refreshing and bring great delight to my life.

The preparations for Kids Club each week which brings joy to be because the children really are getting the heart of the curriculum. Each time we share the Bible story and ask questions after, I see the lights come on in the children. These children teach me so much about God and God’s love and what that should look like for our life!

A girl from Ocean View who gave me a letter she wrote this week. She made the card and envelope just to tell me how much she loves me. It was precious. She can’t pronounce Molly so she calls me “Molney.” Her letter is one I will keep forever.

At training this week we went around the room sharing what great things each ministry is doing. Hearing everything that Living Right is accomplishing was a huge encouragement to all of us as we are worn down from the long days. It is clearly evident that God is using Living Hope and the Living Right program to restore the people here.

Watching sunsets over the ocean will never get old here and will always be a “best” for me. Each sunset I watch is a bit different yet continues to amaze me by its beauty. Each sunset I watch I am reminded of what a great God we serve. Each sunset I am reminded to seek peace. Each sunset I am reminded to continue to journey courageously and boldly this journey of life.

These are just a few “bests” for me so far. There are many that I’ve experienced and haven’t shared, and I know there will be many more to come. May we each remember to embrace and rejoice in the “bests” in our life.

Let me tell you about my friends...

Nathaniel is a 10 year old boy who has more gumption for life than anyone I’ve met. He has a smile that spreads across his face. We enjoy chatting about school and how he likes learning. He tells me about his soccer skills and laughs at me when I try to kick a ball. He has a true servant heart and is always looking for ways to help us during Kids Club.

Romeino is my personal translator. Each day I’m at Mountain View she helps me understand what is being said in Afrikaans. Her face lights up each time she explains something because she always want to be a helper. She loves to wear dresses and be “girly.” We enjoy chats about nail polish, hairstyles, and her day.

Lorenzo is my quiet, shy friend who looks for me until I find him. He is a man of little words, but I know his heart is full of love for others. He always listens intently as we teach during Kids Club and can answer articulately. When we color, he always shows off his masterpieces with pride on his face. He especially loves to play the jumping game I created for the kids. I know if there is any spare second then he will be by my side ready to jump!!

Amber and Bianca are my pals with a rough exterior but who just desire to be kids. It took a few weeks before they opened up, but once they did, they haven’t stopped. As they plat my hair before club we chat about their days, family, hopes and dreams. I can tell their demeanor is changing, and they are beginning to realize what beautiful, amazing, valued children of God they are.

Kyle is my buddy with all the energy!! He is the child you know is a discipline problem in the classroom, but all he wants is love. All he wants is for people to see him as important. Every time he tells me about a soccer play or adventure he went on, I love listening intently and nodding my head at the important parts. He has quite the stories so he helps keep my imagination alive and active!!

Keisha and Alisha are my friends who remind me to embrace the inner child. Our time is spent singing songs, laughing, and dancing. Their smiles light up the room and remind me that we must embrace every moment.

Jarrod is my little man. He is only four but acts like he is forty. He has a laugh that could even make the stoic crack a smile. He is very, very bright and each time we hang out he tells be his numbers and letters. He loves being reminded of what a smart boy he is. He loves making others laugh and always wants to be the center of attention.

These are just a few of my friends I’ve made thus far. Each child that comes into Kids Club brightens my heart. More than that, they each have a part of my heart. These are children for whom I want the best. These are friends who I will be fighting for justice, reconciliation, restoration, and compassion for for the rest of my life. For Christ himself stated, “Let the little children come to me and do not hinder them for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” (Luke 18:16)

Mommy

A little girl called me “mommy” today. At first I thought she was saying, “Molly” but the other LSEs quickly commented that she kept saying, “Mommy” not “Molly.” She could not stop saying, “Mommy, mommy help me color.” As I went to her, helped her color, held her, and played with her hair, I could not stop wondering what happened to her real mom? Did she abandon her? Did she die of AIDS? Is she a drug addict and present but not there? As these questions flooded my head I looked around the room and realized this little girl is not the exception to the rule. This is life for many of these children: life without a mother. My heart breaks for these children tonight. Here I am, a young woman who is the only mother figure this child has. I cannot imagine my life without my mom so my heart breaks. My heart broke as I heard her sweetly yet desperately say “Mommy.” My heart breaks because I know she is not the only one. My heart breaks at the reality of the situation. My heart breaks at the multitudes of times I take my mother for granted. My heart breaks for this generation of children who raising themselves and calling out “mommy” in the desperate hope that someone, somewhere will hear, listen, and help.

When you know it is right...

People continue to ask how I am, if I’m homesick etc. My response continues to be, “I’m at peace here. I miss home, and I miss my family and friends. But I am at peace. I know this is right.” Here are just a few reasons why I know it is “right.”

1. Each morning as I rise I am excited about the adventure of the day. I don’t feel a sense of dread or of wishing I were somewhere else.

2. I laugh here…all the time!! Now I am generally a happy, optimistic, glass half full kind of girl and I love to laugh. Back home I especially love the belly laughs I experience with my mom and Melodie. I get those belly laughs at least once a day if not more here.

3. I am being stretched. Each day is not a cake walk. Every day has challenges and growing opportunities. Every day I am learning a bit more about myself and God. This summer a friend said, “Molly, shouldn’t we live each day praying God reveals more of God’s self to us? Isn’t that what journeying is all about?” I feel that that occurs here.

4. I feel at peace. In the fall at CNC, I was content but not at peace. It was a great but hard semester. But this semester, peace abounds in my soul.

5. I see Christ in children, adults, teens, whites, blacks coloreds each day. Each day I get to see God’s creativity and beautiful creations in each one of us. Every day I realize more and more how God is with us; in us; among us.

6. Each night I look at the stars in awe knowing there is no other place I’d rather be standing in the presence of our God.

7. When I’m not around my Ocean View and Mountain View kids I really miss them!! Now, I like kids but generally have never had a desire to be with children 24/7 until being here. They all bring joy to my life in a unique, special way.

8. I love it here more the second time then I ever did the first. That concept is hard for me to grasp because I fell in love here this summer. My love for this place this time, however, far surpasses this summer.

9. Each day I realize another part of my past experience that shaped me, molded me, and prepared me for being here.

10. I found a community of friends here. Now granted, I am Lea Ann’s daughter so I know how to become a friend with just about anyone, but it is different here. I know that some of these friendships will last for a lifetime, just like the community of friends I met and kept from camp.

These are just a few reasons why I know it is right. I am sure there will be more to come.

I’m off to the Argus race this morning bright and early…I will blog about it and my “touristy” weekend soon I am sure!! Please be in prayer for tomorrow, Monday March 15^th. I have my WAIT scholarship interview at 1:30 eastern/12:30 central time.

Peace be upon all of you. Know that my love for each of you stretches across the oceans and continents.