Some of you may know this and some may not. While here in Cape Town, I have to decide where the next three years of my life will be spent: North Carolina or New Jersey. Newer, smaller, more opportunities to create a unique program tailored to me or larger, world renowned, established institution. I have made the pros and cons lists. I have prayed and listened. I have had a few sleepless nights. I have questioned. I have talked to mentors and friends, and now I must decide. My dad keeps on telling me, “Molly, trust the process. You won’t go wrong.” And I know that is true, but yet my heart has been in turmoil these past few days. I am about to share some reasons why I think I am in such angst, and as you read them, please pray with me through them.
Princeton is the logical choice. I got in. It is something I’ve always wanted. It’s a phenomenal academic institution and near so many inner city opportunities, yet Princeton itself is in an academic bubble. I would be moving to an extremely rich town where the middle class does not exist. I’d be going to a place that by its name alone could open doors for my career. But I also would be going to a place where students would try to one up each other on “brilliance,” and I wonder as we did that if I’d lose sight of the echo within me? But, by saying no to Princeton, a part of me may always wonder, “what if?” or if I “settled.” At the heart of it, by saying no to Princeton I think I may disappoint others and people who’s opinions I love and cherish may think I made a “wrong choice” or may not understand. Princeton may be an opportunity I may never have again. Princeton really is an amazing choice, yet why do I still so torn by saying "yes" to it?
Wake Forest is a place I know I’d fit in and love. Wake Forest is a place where I am “kind of” known. I mean, I do not know everyone there but three people on faculty know my family, and I know some students who attend. I know that Wake would stretch me and I would grow, but I also know I’d still be in my comfort zone a bit. Wake is a place where I know I could make my degree my own, have wonderful internship opportunities in NYC, take some law classes, and learn from some of the same people my dad did. (If I end up at Wake, I cannot wait until I turn a paper into Tupper early and he say, “You are Ross Brummett’s daughter turning something in early?!” J ) But, at Wake a part of the downside is that I am known. I think at Carson Newman I’ve always wondered did I get to where I am because of my dad’s help and the fact I was a “faculty kid” or on my own merit? Was I able to excel at CNC because it was comfortable and I wasn’t afraid to jump right in? I really don’t want to have those same questions at Wake. But, one of the things I love at Wake is the fact of the intimate community there which I had experienced at CNC for not only the past 4 years but the past 21, almost 22 years. Wake has great strengths, and I see myself there because in Wake I see the things I loved most at CNC.
I ultimately want to live a life where I make a difference. I wane to live a life where I don’t preach saying we need to help the poor, but I become one with the poor. I want to know those whom I minister to. I want to build community. I want to be a part of the reconciliation and restoration of the Church. I want to live a life pleasing to God. I want these next three years to continue to be transformative. I want to increase my knowledge as well as increase my ability to minister well. I want to be able to trust the inner voice within me, and when I finally decide know I made the right choice for me.
Please pray with me and for me these next days and weeks until April 1st when I must decide. On March 15th I have a critical interview with Wake Forest about a fellowship, and around that day I should be hearing from Princeton as well about finances. It is funny because before coming to Africa I wanted to get so far away from everyone’s opinions and thoughts on grad school because I felt stifled. Yet now that I am thousands of miles away from my community of support, I long for that stifled feeling again. I know, however, that it is good I am here making this decision because I know when I decide the decision will be mine. I hope and pray it will be a decision in which I am strong enough to trust the voice within as I continue to move down the lit path.
Good for you in struggling with what most people would think is an obvious choice. Remember that a diploma ends up on the wall, but an education shapes the heart, soul, and mind. Go with what will best shape you into the minister God has called you to be.
ReplyDeletemolly you are so strong and faithful- a true inspiration to me.
ReplyDeleteMolly,
ReplyDeleteYou should read my friend Becca's blog. She and her husband have started a mentoring program in Atlanta, and they are in the process of trying to sell their house to move downtown. I know you probably don't have a ton of downtime, but if you can, you should check it out. I probably won't help in the decision making process, but it may provide some encouragement in the journey. Hugs!
thestanleyclan.blogspot.com
Molly,
ReplyDeletePraying for you.
Since you talked about missing the stifled feeling I will offer a little stifling. What I learned while at UT is that you make your own education. Whether you go to Princeton or Wake you will make your education. You will learn what God would teach you even if you go to the "wrong place." Sometimes I am not even sure there really is such a thing. We may wander off the path God has for us but He doesn't go away and I believe he will use every wandering off that we have.
And what you expect to happen at a place is not always what happens. The way you see a place from the outside is not the way it may be for you from the inside. Also don't assume that you will never have the opportunity for either one again. Remember I went back to graduate school when I was 40.
I know this is a hard decision. I think that God puts dreams in our hearts. Go where your dream is, unless God tells you otherwise. You really can't go wrong as long as you seek him. You may take a different path then He would have, but you will know when you do. And when you turn back to him He will be there. He was there for Peter who denied him (I love that story in John 21).
I hope this helps you. I know it wasn't very eloquent. But I do believe that whichever path you choose there will be something there for God to teach you. And if you chose "wrong", Jesus still loves you and will meet you wherever you are.
Ms. Karen
Molly-
ReplyDeleteI have only realized this week that our gift of free choice from God is not one that means I get to go around choosing what i want to do! It is so much more than that. We are given choices over and over again that force us to ask "What is best for the preservation of who I am?". Some of these are easy choices and some of them are so deep and gut-wrenching that they physically weigh you down. I know about these and have been faced with a few myself recently. What I have found is that quietly, we hear from our inner voice - some say the holy spirit- who we are and it is our choice to heed that very quiet voice or to choose something different. I also know that God can make any choice right for us. But the essence of who we are is often expressed or surpressed by our choices. As Frederick B said, Listen to your Life. Listen to who you are.
Remember that either one will be a great avenue for you. And both would be lucky to have you.
Love to you-
Marea
Molly,
ReplyDeleteI know I don't know you very well and I am a Princeton grad and have been giving you a hard time about it, but I feel really compelled to tell you something in response to something in this post. You talked about disappointing people. I know I am not one of those people, but I also know that you cannot disappoint anybody with your decision. I know what you need to do is already in your heart. It is an amazing heart. A long time ago when I was in a very tough spot, a very wise man told me that I simply couldn't make the wrong choice so I should do what I wanted to do. I did. He was right. He is your dad. And no it wasn't about going to Princeton. I am praying for you right now.
Scott Erwin