Walk Away

I should be writing a Social Ethics paper on Immigration right now, but I am not…I should be resting because I am fighting a horrible cold, but I am not…instead, I am thinking. Now some of you may wonder why I posted this blog on the blog about my African journey, well this blog has to do a lot with my journey since being stateside and deals with South Africa. I’ve tried to write a blog like this probably once a month since August, but each time I stop. I’m not sure exactly why. Perhaps it isn’t the right time. Perhaps I’m afraid of posting it for Wake Div folks to read and critique on how “theologically sound” it is. Perhaps I wasn’t ready to be this vulnerable, translucent, and real with myself let alone my community. Now, however, the words are coming and I must put them down.

Let me back up, over the course of the past few weeks I was asked to consider to lead a team to SA in May then told that that wasn’t a possibility then this week asked if I would help partially lead it and some of the expenses would be covered. Now, this last scenario, the partial leading/partial expenses covered was the scenario I did not want to happen. A few weeks ago when the idea of me leading was thrown out there, I told some close friends, “I want this decision made for me. If the trip is fully paid for, I’ll go. If the trip isn’t paid for at all, I won’t go. I just don’t want it to be partially covered and I have to decide.” Why you may wonder did I not want to make this decision? Because I knew it would be one of the hardest decisions of my life.

Ready for some real, life, Molly Brummett honesty that has been pent up for almost 6 plus months now? (If not, stop reading now and know that I decided to turn down the trip to SA.) When I was in South Africa, I felt the greatest peace and joy in my life. I loved the people. I loved doing ministry every day. I loved the community. I loved the natural beauty. I loved the pace of life. I loved falling in love. I loved life there. I felt called to South Africa, and I felt at peace there. In my head, the three months I spent there was just the beginning, just like my three weeks there the summer before was just the beginning of my return the next year. The entire time I was there, I felt the confirmation from God that I was called to South Africa in a big way. Therefore, when I left, I had complete faith and trust that God was calling me back to that place to do ministry for the year and was calling me back to be with this guy I was falling madly for and was calling me back to continue the work and ministry I had begun there. So, when I left, I didn’t say bye. I didn’t seek closure because I was confident I was headed back on a plane that August for the year. Until mid July, that was the reality that seemed to be unfolding. My parents gave me their blessing to return, a potential job was falling into place, I had this amazing guy promise me a future, I had confirmation from God as I was seeking, asking, and knocking and doors were opening. Then mid-July happened and everything changed. On that night, all my plans, hopes, dreams, thoughts about where I felt God leading me changed in one unexpected phone call I was told, “Molly, everything I felt and thought has changed. You do not need to buy a plane ticket. You don’t need to come.” Now, I could’ve gone and lived there and done my thing and “stuck it to the man,” BUT I knew that that was a toxic environment to walk into, so I stayed.

I was in the valley in a huge way. I was so pissed off at God. I didn’t know what direction I was going. I knew I was signed up for Divinity School and knew I was called into ministry but was questioning if now was the best time for me to go. I was wondering if I should take a year of to get in a better state of mind. I wondered if maybe I could still go to South Africa and not have to deal with all the hard emotional things that faced me there. I was hurting in a way I had never hurt before. I felt that the place that I loved, the place where I felt the greatest peace and joy was ripped away from me in a instant. Where was the goodness of God in that?

Well, I decided to go to Wake. I decided to try it out for a semester just to see. I must say, Wake truly is the perfect fit for me. I couldn’t have asked for a better community, teachers, academic rigor, or “fit.” I truly have loved this experience and am forming friendships and memories I know will last a lifetime. Yet, the door to South Africa has been haunting me because for some reason I could not close that possibility. I even had a professor call me into his office last fall and say, “Molly, your academics are struggling because you are living through this lens and life of South Africa that is haunting you. You have to find a way to put South Africa on a shelf for a while or you are going to be frustrated all three years here.” I balled in his office as he told be this because I knew he was right, but I was not ready to put South Africa “on the shelf.”

This leads me to being asked to lead and/or potentially go to SA in May. Clynton always joked and said God brought me to South Africa to start teaching me patience. He’d always say, “Patience my dear, patience.” Well, patience is what I’ve realized I must seek. Since arriving at Wake Div, God continues to whisper into the deepest parts of my being saying, “remember the seasons, remember the cyclical, beautiful journey you are on.” In the words of my father, “trust the process.” Seasons are an amazing thing. They happen every, single year. You move from fall to winter to spring to summer then it repeats all over. My faith journey since leaving South Africa went from a Spring/Summer high to a Fall/LONG Winter drudge. The friendships forming and community building at Wake Div were pockets of sunshine along the way. Finding Green St Church and connecting with people who’d experienced things like I had in South Africa were like winter blooms. Yet, the darkness and the sadness continued to cover my soul. I became so busy with school that I tried to fake happiness and contentment so much so that I started convincing myself I was ok and already had closure with SA and just need to “get a grip.”

But then the opportunity to return to South Africa came up, and I had to wrestle with my lack of closure there. I had to wrestle with the reality that I was holding on and memorializing one point in time in my life in such a way that it was keeping me from fully enjoying life to the full in the present. I had turned South Africa into THE defining moment of my life. It was the place I was at peace. It was the place where I felt I was living out the calling for my life. It was where I fell in love and saw myself spending the rest of my life with someone. It was where I experienced God in a profound, real, indescribable way. It was a place I did not want to nor knew how to walk away from.

In the midst of this decision of thinking I’m going then not going then the possibility of going at a reduced price, Ash Wednesday fell on my mission immersion experience to NYC. Before receiving ashes, the minister with tears in her eyes discussed how often we must walk through times of Ashes covering us as we walk towards the hope found in Christ through partaking of the Eucharist. We then received ashes and partook in the Eucharist. In that moment, I felt the presence of God in a way that I hadn’t felt the presence of God since South Africa. God was holding me. God was freeing me from South Africa haunting me. Earlier that week I took Eucharist from a trans-gendered woman who was Christ incarnate as she prayed over me. Her words spoke directly to the deepest parts of my soul. These moments of feeling the presence of God in a profound, intimate, close way comforted me and gave me the courage to take hold of the hauntings from South Africa. In those moments, I knew that God was with me and had been with me suffering as I suffered and hurting as I hurt, all the while, walking with me as I continue to journey towards to hope, the euangellion, which I proclaim. This week, spring has started to bloom in my soul again.

This new life and new birth and new power felt from deep within gave me the courage to say no to South Africa in May. As my father always says, “Not now, doesn’t mean never.” I am finally practicing the trust and patience in God that one day I will return to South Africa to say goodbye and to have some form of closure, but that is not now. Now, I am here. I am at Wake Div. I am walking this journey preparing myself for vocational ministry. Now, I am seeking the face of God again. Now I am seeking joy. Now I am finally moving forward and not holding onto 3 wonderful months of my life as the only “high light” of my life. Now, I am finally resting in the arms of God again and not fighting it. Now, I am realizing life moves on and beautiful things come from the ashes, praise be to God.

Here are some lyrics to a song that sum up some of my feelings from these past few days as I decided to not turn to SA:

Walk Away: Ben Harper

Oh no

Here comes that sun again

That means another day

Without you my friend

And it hurts me

To look into the mirror at myself

And it hurts even more

To have to be with somebody else

And it's so hard to do

And so easy to say

But sometimes

Sometimes you just have to walk away

Walk away

With so many people

To love in my life

Why do I worry

About one

But you put the happy

In my ness

You put the good times

Into my fun

And it's so hard to do

And so easy to say

But sometimes

Sometimes you just have to walk away

Walk away

And head for the door

We've tried the goodbye

So many days

We walk in the same direction

So that we could never stray

They say if you love somebody

Then you have got to set them free

But I would rather be locked to you

Than live in this pain and misery

They say time will

Make all this go away

But it's time that has taken my tomorrows

And turned them into yesterdays

And once again that rising sun

Is droppin' on down

And once again you my friend

Are nowhere to be found

And it's so hard to do

And so easy to say

But sometimes

Sometimes you just have to walk away

Walk away

And head for the door

You just walk away

Walk away

I am not walking away forever from South Africa, but I am walking away for now. I am trusting in a God who redeems even the greatest hurts, pains, sorrows, and wilderness. I am hoping in the love, joy, and power that comes from the Eu-Angellion, the GOOD NEWS, that Christ proclaimed so long ago and continues to proclaim. I am walking towards life again. Finally, I am walking towards LIFE again…here…right where I am; wherever my journey leads. May God continue to bless me with enough foolishness to believe I can make a difference in this world...